This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
