I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Randomize
