i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I would fuck him just for his dog
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