If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My dad just said "fuck circus"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
