I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
