My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
