We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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