I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
