i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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