Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
