I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
