I faked an abortion last night.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
