at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
