Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
