By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
