I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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