I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am naked and annoyed.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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