Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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