I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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