Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
