We tried having a conversation with our noses.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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