There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
It was confusing and full of hummus
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
