you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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