Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
