I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
