She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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