I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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