nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize