I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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