so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
