I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
