he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I wear drunk well.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
