Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
