I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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