my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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