Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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