Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
