So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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