Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize