If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
