Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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