I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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