How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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