i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize