Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
