oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
