My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
