i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
