Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
