I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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