WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
