I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
