I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
we should paint friendship bongs
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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