Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
