i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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