i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
