the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
