Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We're using joints as your birthday candles
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
